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way2dawnTitle: Sometimes
Author:way2dawn
Characters/Pairings: Riku-centric. Sora/Riku, OT5ish (w/mentions of past Akuroku).
Rating: PG-13ish. Mentions of mature situations and/or implications, including sexual ones.
Summary: Post-KH2. Everyone is safe and everyone is home, and yet there are things still unsaid.
A/N: Many thanks to my beta,myth. Part of the Awakenings verse. Required reading this time around is probably Said the Spider to the Fly (or if it's not your thing, at least be aware that it exists), Riku, Home, Flowers and Chocolate, and Dream.
Sometimes
Riku wants to say it. Most of the time, he tries to avoid thinking about it, wants it to gather cobwebs and stay in the past where it belongs, but there are times he wants so badly to tell Sora about it. He doesn’t want Sora to understand it (the very thought of Sora understanding is something so horrifyingly disturbing that it makes him want to be sick), but sometimes he feels selfish and wants Sora to know about it. Riku figures that thinking of it as selfish is probably some sort of defense mechanism, but he’d choose repression and denial over making Sora feel bad about things any day.
Naminé knows about it; she knew the second he stepped foot in Castle Oblivion, but Riku’s never been upset over the way she found out. He just made her promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone else about it. Not even Kairi knows. Riku knows that Naminé wants to tell, too, but Naminé keeps her promises, and he knows that she’ll never say a word (because she's got secrets she keeps from the others, too – ones she suggests are similar but Riku knows are different, they have to be, no matterhow much thinking about it hurts even now).
Some days, the last thing Riku thinks about is telling Sora. He’ll stand in front of the bathroom mirror in his boxers, safe in his home in Destiny Islands, and think, I’m lucky to be here, and I’m lucky to just be; this is good enough. And he won’t feel self-conscious or think about anything besides his friends and how soothing peace can be. Some days, he won’t have a single coherent thought in his head other thanSora’s eyes are very blue when he looks at me like that.
Sometimes, when it’s very late at night and Sora is very close and Sora is running his hands down Riku’s sides, it takes every single bit of focus Riku has not to sob.
If it’s a nice day out (and almost every day is nice in Destiny Islands) and Riku’s finished the daily allotment of homework, both regular and remedial, he’ll let Sora and Kairi drag him out to the play island again. Sometimes they’ll swim, sometimes he and Sora will have a friendly spar (it took some effort for Sora to convince him to do that again, but it was something Riku had secretly missed), and sometimes they’ll all stare out at the ocean and just talk. If no one else is around, they might even go up to the old tree house and exercise some teenage hormones away from prying eyes and parents.
If Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie are there, Wakka likes to rope everybody into an impromptu blitzball match in the ocean. The first time after they got back, Selphie wouldn’t stop asking about his and Sora’s battle scars (like the one Riku has on his side that Sora likes to touch and Roxas likes to be sad about, and the one Sora has on his chest that Riku likes to avoid because it does nothing but remind him of the exact moment he watched Sora get it, yelling as loudly as he could with no one listening but the one he wanted to hear him the least), and Riku had to bite his tongue and let Sora give the explanation they’d been told to give. Riku’s not sure how much Sora thinks about things like scars and basically lying to their friends for the sake of the worlds, but he’s not sure if anything positive would come of asking. Sometimes, he wonders if Sora thinks about asking him questions like that, and sometimes he wants him to.
He wants to say so many things to Sora. He wants to scream, Why don’t you know? How can you know me so well and be so oblivious to what seems so blindingly clear? How long do I have to go through this before you realize? He wants to kill already-dead person-shaped monsters, and he doesn’t care if it’s with Way to the Dawn or if it’s with his bare hands. He wants to go to bed at night knowing with absolute certainty that he won’t wake up yelling himself hoarse again. He wants his mother to never look at him with that face at three in the morning (like she doesn'tknow him anymore) ever again. He wants to not worry that Sora’s mom found out he snuck over and woke up in Sora’s bed again, and to tell her that it’s not alwaysbecause he had another nightmare.
Sometimes, when he finds himself suddenly wide awake and shaking violently, trying not to throw up and praying to a mostly-undefined higher power that he’s not crying (and if he is, that Sora can’t see it), he wonders if it’s finally gotten so bad that it’s written all over his face and spelled out for Sora to see. If this is the time he’ll finally get to see Sora’s eyes widen in shock, in horror, and if he’ll then see Sora get very, very angry, like he’s only seen him do a few times in sixteen whole years. If Sora will tell Roxas, and instead of Roxas harshly telling Riku that he doesn’t want to be pitied (because Riku tries very hard, but Riku is still not Axel), that this time it will be Roxas who pities Riku. If Kairi will also find out, and if any of them will ever be able to look at him the same again.
It’s in those moments that he most wants to keep it a secret, to never cause Sora to even consider thinking about anything close to that, much less find out about it. Riku doesn’t want to do something to cause Sora to be angry anymore, doesn’t want to feel weak, and doesn’t want to wonder how long it’ll take before it all just goes away and lets him get on with his life. But still.
He still wants to say it, and he doesn’t know why.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Part 2 - Last Night
Author:
way2dawnCharacters/Pairings: Riku-centric. Sora/Riku, OT5ish (w/mentions of past Akuroku).
Rating: PG-13ish. Mentions of mature situations and/or implications, including sexual ones.
Summary: Post-KH2. Everyone is safe and everyone is home, and yet there are things still unsaid.
A/N: Many thanks to my beta,
myth. Part of the Awakenings verse. Required reading this time around is probably Said the Spider to the Fly (or if it's not your thing, at least be aware that it exists), Riku, Home, Flowers and Chocolate, and Dream.Sometimes
Riku wants to say it. Most of the time, he tries to avoid thinking about it, wants it to gather cobwebs and stay in the past where it belongs, but there are times he wants so badly to tell Sora about it. He doesn’t want Sora to understand it (the very thought of Sora understanding is something so horrifyingly disturbing that it makes him want to be sick), but sometimes he feels selfish and wants Sora to know about it. Riku figures that thinking of it as selfish is probably some sort of defense mechanism, but he’d choose repression and denial over making Sora feel bad about things any day.
Naminé knows about it; she knew the second he stepped foot in Castle Oblivion, but Riku’s never been upset over the way she found out. He just made her promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone else about it. Not even Kairi knows. Riku knows that Naminé wants to tell, too, but Naminé keeps her promises, and he knows that she’ll never say a word (because she's got secrets she keeps from the others, too – ones she suggests are similar but Riku knows are different, they have to be, no matterhow much thinking about it hurts even now).
Some days, the last thing Riku thinks about is telling Sora. He’ll stand in front of the bathroom mirror in his boxers, safe in his home in Destiny Islands, and think, I’m lucky to be here, and I’m lucky to just be; this is good enough. And he won’t feel self-conscious or think about anything besides his friends and how soothing peace can be. Some days, he won’t have a single coherent thought in his head other thanSora’s eyes are very blue when he looks at me like that.
Sometimes, when it’s very late at night and Sora is very close and Sora is running his hands down Riku’s sides, it takes every single bit of focus Riku has not to sob.
If it’s a nice day out (and almost every day is nice in Destiny Islands) and Riku’s finished the daily allotment of homework, both regular and remedial, he’ll let Sora and Kairi drag him out to the play island again. Sometimes they’ll swim, sometimes he and Sora will have a friendly spar (it took some effort for Sora to convince him to do that again, but it was something Riku had secretly missed), and sometimes they’ll all stare out at the ocean and just talk. If no one else is around, they might even go up to the old tree house and exercise some teenage hormones away from prying eyes and parents.
If Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie are there, Wakka likes to rope everybody into an impromptu blitzball match in the ocean. The first time after they got back, Selphie wouldn’t stop asking about his and Sora’s battle scars (like the one Riku has on his side that Sora likes to touch and Roxas likes to be sad about, and the one Sora has on his chest that Riku likes to avoid because it does nothing but remind him of the exact moment he watched Sora get it, yelling as loudly as he could with no one listening but the one he wanted to hear him the least), and Riku had to bite his tongue and let Sora give the explanation they’d been told to give. Riku’s not sure how much Sora thinks about things like scars and basically lying to their friends for the sake of the worlds, but he’s not sure if anything positive would come of asking. Sometimes, he wonders if Sora thinks about asking him questions like that, and sometimes he wants him to.
He wants to say so many things to Sora. He wants to scream, Why don’t you know? How can you know me so well and be so oblivious to what seems so blindingly clear? How long do I have to go through this before you realize? He wants to kill already-dead person-shaped monsters, and he doesn’t care if it’s with Way to the Dawn or if it’s with his bare hands. He wants to go to bed at night knowing with absolute certainty that he won’t wake up yelling himself hoarse again. He wants his mother to never look at him with that face at three in the morning (like she doesn'tknow him anymore) ever again. He wants to not worry that Sora’s mom found out he snuck over and woke up in Sora’s bed again, and to tell her that it’s not alwaysbecause he had another nightmare.
Sometimes, when he finds himself suddenly wide awake and shaking violently, trying not to throw up and praying to a mostly-undefined higher power that he’s not crying (and if he is, that Sora can’t see it), he wonders if it’s finally gotten so bad that it’s written all over his face and spelled out for Sora to see. If this is the time he’ll finally get to see Sora’s eyes widen in shock, in horror, and if he’ll then see Sora get very, very angry, like he’s only seen him do a few times in sixteen whole years. If Sora will tell Roxas, and instead of Roxas harshly telling Riku that he doesn’t want to be pitied (because Riku tries very hard, but Riku is still not Axel), that this time it will be Roxas who pities Riku. If Kairi will also find out, and if any of them will ever be able to look at him the same again.
It’s in those moments that he most wants to keep it a secret, to never cause Sora to even consider thinking about anything close to that, much less find out about it. Riku doesn’t want to do something to cause Sora to be angry anymore, doesn’t want to feel weak, and doesn’t want to wonder how long it’ll take before it all just goes away and lets him get on with his life. But still.
He still wants to say it, and he doesn’t know why.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Part 2 - Last Night
