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way2dawnFor the last three fics of the Awakenings prequels, I decided to combine all the songs into one FST, which is the one I'm posting here. So without further ado... here is the soundtrack for my fics Flowers and Chocolate, Dream, and Sometimes!
Quotes from the fics are in the song descriptions, so if you want to read the fics first, please do so :)
Front cover image byyuukihikari. Back cover image found on Photobucket.
Download the zip and coverart here :)
1. La Valse D’Amelie – Yann Tiersen
[instrumental]
Note: The version I’ve been using for the mix is the one from the European Film Festival with the Prague Philharmonic Orchestra, but since that’s a protected file and I couldn’t find a copy, the one I’m giving you guys is the original, which is still very close in sound.
2. Here In My Room – Incubus
Riku: You enter in full-blown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight
If the world would fall apart
In a fiction-worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing now that you're here
Yeah, love is a verb
Here in my room
I came here expecting next to nothing
So thank you for being that kind of girl
And it’s Kairi, so there really wasn’t a question in the first place.
“…Kairi?” is all Riku says, but he’s turned to her with his hand held out, so now’s the time to find out exactly what she thinks of him. Out of the corner of his eye, Sora looks at him, first surprised and then thankful, but then it’s back to both of them looking at Kairi in anticipation because the brunet’s too upset to do much else right now. Kairi herself looks back at Riku with surprise as well – and there’s a few agonizing seconds where she hesitates and Riku prays for the earth to swallow him whole – but slowly, she passes all the way into the room, shuts the door behind her, and takes silent, careful steps towards the two boys.
~*~*~*~*~
There’s a moment or two after he and Sora have stood back up again to face Kairi where Riku waits for them to take it back, to cross him out right then and there because there's absolutely no reason for him to have deserved that, but then he feels a tentative little half-smile creep onto his face because something that he never, ever thought once in his life would happen just did – take that, insecurities – and then it’s joined by two others, and everything in the world feels just a little less heavy and just a little more right than it did before.
3. Thick As Thieves – Dashboard Confessional
Riku: Would it kill you to breathe easy?
Only 17 miles lay between you and me
I could make it if I had to
I don't break easily
You got my council, thick as thieves
If there's a crime, we'll keep it secret
For there's only trace amounts left in your blood
You may be a sinner
But you may be justified
Just keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I'll make it right
Will it kill me to breathe?
Not as easy as you think it is
Between you and me,
I could fake it if I have to
I don't break easily
I need your council, thick as thieves
I have no crime to keep a secret
It was hers, it was not mine
Well I may be a sinner
But it wasn't me this time
I'll keep your secrets 'til the grave has swallowed me
And I will never tell a tortured soul there burning by my side
That I am a sinner
I am a savior
I am a lie
"I swear, if I didn't know for a fact that he was already dead, I'd find him and kill him myself." His voice is harsh, but she seems to know that it's not towards her. The girl in his arms shifts momentarily, before hugging him back.
~*~*~*~*~
"It wasn't like that," he insists, mouth in a thin line. "That was different." He might have to admit that he knows what she's talking about, but he doesn't have to agree with her. Riku already knows that she's wrong; she has to be wrong, because Riku really doesn't want to think about what her being right about this would mean.
"You know, Riku," Naminé suggests slowly, "you'll feel a lot better if you just tell Sora about it."
"Like you're planning to tell Sora?" Riku retorts, flushing and wishing he didn't sound quite so defensive.
"And we both know he doesn't remember anything about Castle Oblivion," she replies easily. Then with a breath of a sigh, she puts a hand on his arm, which relaxes there when he doesn't pull away.
4. Body Below – Mirah
Naminé: It says "keep holding on
To my body below
Forsake me not
Don't ever leave me alone"
The ocean rolled salty
And wild and free
The fruit swelled and ripened
And burst with their seeds
The chest gets all tight
Like it's got some disease
What burns in the fire
Just ends up as coals
What floats on the water
Can sink like a stone
Now I want to believe
Every word that you say
I want you to need me
To not go away
Have trust in the nighttime
And faith in the day
To walk on the water
Be never afraid
"There are... things Sora doesn't need to know about," he murmurs, looking out towards the sea as he puts his hand over hers, and that's all the allowance he's willing to give her, right now.
"Alright," she murmurs back, leaning more comfortably against his side. “For now.”
~*~*~*~*~
“Listen, Kairi…” He catches her hand before she can turn to untie her boat from the dock.
“What is it?”
“If there’s…” and he only has half an idea of what he’s going to say, but pushes on nonetheless, “…anything you want me to do – not just for your birthday – if there’s anything else, just say it and I’ll do it.” That’s his real present, and she probably knows it. He feels better, for some reason, when he’s the one that’s being strong for her.
“I know,” Kairi says, smiling softly, looking up at him and tugging him just a little bit closer with the hand he’s holding. It’s a nice, quiet moment, and she looks especially pretty right now, so he leans down to kiss her, wrapping his other hand around her waist to steady her when she gets up on her tiptoes. “Besides,” she adds, after they’ve parted and just a little bit impishly, “I already told you there’s something I really want for my birthday.”
5. American Girl (Live) – Goo Goo Dolls
Yeah, she was an American girl
Raised on promises
She couldn't help thinking
there was a little more to life somewhere else
After all, it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
And if she's gonna die trying
she has one little promise she was gonna keep
like waves crashing out on the beach
For one desperate moment there
he crept back in her memory
God it's so painful, when something so close
can feel so far out of reach
“Well…” she starts slowly, “there is one thing I really want.”
“Yeah?” Sora asks. “What is it?” Kairi smiles again, and Riku has no idea how Sora, now grinning like a megawatt bulb, is restraining himself from literally hopping up and down.
“It’s a surprise,” she declares, looking very pleased with herself. Sora sighs, deflating, and if he was anyone else, it would be completely over-dramatic, in Riku’s own personal opinion.
~*~*~*~*~
"I wasn't completely sure, but-" Riku stops himself short, because she's still looking at him silently. "...What is it?" he asks, very, very carefully, and the conversation suddenly has an undertow he's never learned to navigate.
"You know what I mean." Her voice is so steady, and he doesn't know how she's become the one treading without effort, while he's left struggling just to dog-paddle.
~*~*~*~*~
“Right,” Riku grins in response, watching her walk back over to where her boat’s tied up, “your mystery gift. Is that happening the day of the party, or sometime later?”
“Oh, it’s not that mysterious,” she giggles. “At least, I hope not.”
6. Lost At Sea – Eisley
Sailing over wave and tide
fantastic crash against our sides
And I'm not so afraid, lost at sea
as I should be
Lost at sea, you and I
You and me
Congratulations
because we've made it
all the way home,
and you know that
'til the stars fall
I’ll always love you
Still floating soft,
I am dreaming of what I have
lost and still,
with my fingers drawing circles
in the water
Riku hums and lets his head drop back down on the bed, a finger drawing lazy circles on someone’s thigh.
“I agree,” Kairi says, and he can hear her trying not to giggle.
“He’s usually not this lazy,” Sora says in a fake whisper. “I was the one doing most of the work this time, anyway.” And Kairi lets out her giggle, then; it’s something nice and feminine, sounding like the best kind of tired, and Riku thinks he really likes the way it bounces around his room.
“I can hear you, you know,” he retorts. “And besides, I think at least one of you is still sitting on me.” They all crack up then, rolling around a little bit, and Riku thinks he likes this sound even better.
~*~*~*~*~
The three of them stay there the rest of the night. Then, somewhere in the night when he’s pressed close between the two people who have always been the most important, the name for the feeling finally hits him.
I’m home, Riku thinks. I’m finally home.
7. Rollercoaster – Kimya Dawson
[wordless lyrics]
8. I Wanna – All-American Rejects
I never thought that I was so blind
I can finally see the truth
It's me for you
Can you hear me say
Don't throw me away?
And there's no way out
I gotta hold you somehow
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me, too
Every day, but all I have is time
Every way, and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me
Tonight I’m weak
It's just another day without you
I can't sleep
"Roxas taught me," Sora says, grinning.
"...R-really," Riku replies, slouching against the tree just that little bit more. Is it getting warmer out here, or is it just him?
And how did they get like this, again? Oh, right. Sora decided that the best time and place to give Riku his very first blowjob ever would be in the middle of the play island, the only things separating the two of them from everyone else on the beach being about fifty yards of trees and vegetation. Well, the two of them and Roxas, he supposes. He wonders if Roxas is actually paying attention to what they’re doing right now.
…Right, it’s definitely warmer.
"Yeah, so don't worry."
~*~*~*~*~
Riku's in Sora's room, they're making out on Sora's bed, and it's actually before midnight for once because they told their parents they wanted to have a sleepover, just like old times. Not that Riku wouldn't end up sneaking into Sora's room in the middle of the night anyway, but things like the guilt buried under Riku's nightmares and the silent worry buried under Sora's murmured reassurances aren’t really talked about in the light of day, especially not to parents. And not that they spent time doing things like making out before they left the Islands, but just like old times is just like old times, and it's reassuring to Riku that some things really don't change.
9. Not To Let Go – John Nolan
Roxas: I see the lines that connect me to you
I see the lines that divide us into groups
I know the ways that we'll stay the same
And I know the ways we'll pretend that we can change
I see the lines on your face
I know that there's a toll this takes on you
I don't want to be the one who breaks you or weighs you down
I want to tell you that I'm alright
I might slow down or sigh sometimes
I'm just shaking it off
I'm just telling myself not to let go
Roxas as “Riku”:I'll weather storms and sleepwalk through the lulls
I'll close my eyes and do what needs to be done
I'll shut my mouth and just try and have some fun
Roxas: It's not a question of what anyone deserves
I don't know what you've seen or what you've heard
“Sora…” Riku says it slowly, to give the brunet time to look back up, and only continues once Sora’s done so. “He wants to be with you, right?” Sora bites his lip, but nods. “But it’s different from before, so maybe he’s just getting used to it still.”
“Do you think so?” Sora asks, blinking once or twice with a serious expression.
“…Yeah.” If you spent a long enough time without something, actually getting it was… strange in a way, wasn’t it? “If you just keep being supportive, he’ll finish settling in just fine.”
10. I Still Remember – Bloc Party
Riku: I, I still remember
How you looked that afternoon
There was only you
You said it's just like a full moon
Blood beats faster in our veins
You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
I'd have gone wherever you wanted
We should have run
I would go with you anywhere
I should have kissed you by the water
I'd have let you if you asked me
It's not like Axel's coming back anytime soon, though, so that's not something that Riku can fix for them. If Roxas ever showed a hint of something other than dislike toward him, Riku'd-
But that's not something Roxas is going to do, stupid, he thinks to himself. Stop fooling yourself into wishful thinking. Those kinds of things aren’t going to get him anywhere good.
11. Feel The Silence – Goo Goo Dolls
Riku: The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away
And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
I don't know where I'm going
Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We've been so lost for so long
I don't know how to get back again
And we're drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you're fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don't know where to begin
…What, like Kairi and Naminé? Riku’s not sure how he has the presence of mind to keep that thought to himself, but Sora isn’t Kairi and Roxas isn’t Naminé, and this isn’t going to be the same thing. And Riku doesn’t know what Roxas has told Sora about their past interactions, but there’s history between them. Complicated, painful history, and Riku doesn’t think that Roxas is going to be as easily forgiving as Sora.
Roxas himself seems to agree with Riku, and the look on his face is not the look of someone who is inviting Riku to touch him the same way he touches Sora when they’re both half-undressed. Still, because Riku can admit that he’s always been especially idiotic when it comes to dealing with Roxas, it’s not like he doesn’t want to try, anyway.
“Roxas,” Riku begins slowly, leaning just the slightest, most cautious bit forward, “do you-?” Roxas flushes, and roughly pushes him back against the wall. In the moment where they just stare at each other and most of Riku is stung and speechless, a very tiny, slightly bitter part of him is completely unsurprised.
12. The Bering Sea – John Nolan
Roxas: I was under the impression that I was right
I was thinking about what wasn't mine
I was asking myself what it's like to be you
if living in your skin was something that I could get used to
we were talking about the relativity of feelings
how there's no way to know if we're experiencing the same thing
it's always 2 am that I feel alive again
and I decided people were programmed to survive
but now survival's too easy and we don't know what to do with our lives
too much time on our hands, not enough on our minds
we keep looking for problems and so that's what we find
I've been thinking about how things could be
about laughing out loud, about absurdity
and side by side into the night
I can't help thinking that maybe everything is going to be all right
“He says he’s happy he can be with me here,” Sora starts, “but he doesn’t really get to be out a lot or talk to very many people.” His hand drops from Riku’s neck to his thigh, eyes following the slow path down, and Riku feels a little stab of guilt for the near-lack of interaction he has with Roxas. “Sometimes,” and this is even quieter than before, more than necessary to keep Sora’s mom from waking up, “I think he gets lonely.”
~*~*~*~*~
“You think I want your pity?” Roxas hisses, breaking the silence, eyes narrowed and breathing harsh, partly from what Riku was doing earlier with Sora and partly because he looks like he’s trying to keep himself from shouting. “Do you think you’re doing me a favor by thinking that letting me borrow whatever parts of Sora’s life he thinks I’m allowed to have is suddenly going to make me feel better about the parts of my life that are gone?”
“…No,” Riku replies, very quietly. Do you think my feelings for you have changed at all? is what he doesn’t say. Because they haven’t.
~*~*~*~*~
"This is a dream," Roxas says, hushed. "You're dreaming right now." And his eyes are big and pleading for him to understand, and they're so, so blue, even this late, but Riku isn't really sure what he's supposed to do.
"Okay," he softly agrees, because Sora's mom is still in the house and waking her up would lead to a lot of complications he’d rather not deal with right now. But Riku doesn't really have time to try and figure out what's going on or worry about who might hear what because Roxas is suddenly kissing him, fierce and with just a tiny bit of that silent plea still.
~*~*~*~*~
Again, Roxas seems unsure at first, but with another sigh, something just barely audible, he slowly relaxes into the embrace. Riku hums once, just as quietly – because he can understand that sometimes words just get in the way – and keeps him close like that.
When Roxas’s breathing evens out, Riku looks down to see if he’s still awake. But the sleeping boy in Riku’s arms is a brunet again, and he’s wearing a soft, contented smile, so maybe everything’s still confusing, but there’s a chance it might eventually be alright, after all.
13. Sur Le Fil – Yann Tiersen
[instrumental – violin version]
14. Swimming Through Molasses – Tsunami Bomb
Riku: There's a light inside my head
Flickering but almost dead
My will to be awake
Covered in two tons of sand
More weighed down than when I began
Impossible to get up now, it's too late
And I feel like moving on
And I feel like getting on with life
To feel the presence of the sun on my face
Is what I need to smack those cobwebs into shape
Most of the time, he tries to avoid thinking about it, wants it to gather cobwebs and stay in the past where it belongs, but there are times he wants so badly to tell Sora about it.
~*~*~*~*~
And he won’t feel self-conscious or think about anything besides his friends and how soothing peace can be. Some days, he won’t have a single coherent thought in his head other than Sora’s eyes are very blue when he looks at me like that.
~*~*~*~*~
Riku doesn’t want to do something to cause Sora to be angry anymore, doesn’t want to feel weak, and doesn’t want to wonder how long it’ll take before it all just goes away and lets him get on with his life.
15. Angry Johnny – Poe
Riku: Johnny, angry Johnny
This is Jezebel in hell
I wanna kill you
I can do it in a church
I can do it any time or place
I can do it like an angel
To quiet down your rage
I can do it in the water
I can do on dry land
I can do it with instruments
I can do it with my own bare hands
But either way, either way, you know where it stands
He wants to kill already-dead person-shaped monsters, and he doesn’t care if it’s with Way to the Dawn or if it’s with his bare hands.
16. Somewhere In Between – Lifehouse
Riku: I can't be
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
Sometimes, when it’s very late at night and Sora is very close and Sora is running his hands down Riku’s sides, it takes every single bit of focus Riku has not to sob.
~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes, when he finds himself suddenly wide awake and shaking violently, trying not to throw up and praying to a mostly-undefined higher power that he’s not crying (and if he is, that Sora can’t see it), he wonders if it’s finally gotten so bad that it’s written all over his face and spelled out for Sora to see.
17. The Last Poem’s Poet – Matthew Good
Riku: stop and breathe awhile I
I think I need to think
I think I need to think hard
hard about my, hard about my
my reasons for doing what I do
my reasons for feeling how I feel
what have I learned about love you tell me
what have I learned about myself
and this life is possible in the next one
what is possible in this life is possible for everyone
I have come to a conclusion
within conclusion there is delusion
within delusion there is illusion
and within illusion
there is confusion here
confusion is the straightest talk you will ever know
confusion doesn't care about what you have or who you know
confusion is a friend of mine
has been for a long, long time
yeah, in the end I will be fine
in the end I think I'll lose my mind
and I'm alright
I'm just a little tired I guess
just a little tired
He doesn’t want Sora to understand it (the very thought of Sora understanding is something so horrifyingly disturbing that it makes him want to be sick), but sometimes he feels selfish and wants Sora to know about it.
~*~*~*~*~
Some days, the last thing Riku thinks about is telling Sora. He’ll stand in front of the bathroom mirror in his boxers, safe in his home in Destiny Islands, and think, I’m lucky to be here, and I’m lucky to just be; this is good enough.
~*~*~*~*~
The first time after they got back, Selphie wouldn’t stop asking about his and Sora’s battle scars (like the one Riku has on his side that Sora likes to touch and Roxas likes to be sad about, and the one Sora has on his chest that Riku likes to avoid because it does nothing but remind him of the exact moment he watched Sora get it, yelling as loudly as he could with no one listening but the one he wanted to hear him the least), and Riku had to bite his tongue and let Sora give the explanation they’d been told to give.
~*~*~*~*~
He still wants to say it, and he doesn’t know why.
18. further – Yuki Kajiura
[instrumental]
19. If I Fall – Aqualung
Riku: Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed, never saw it coming
Left me dazed
and I don't know where to turn
Here and now seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face in the crowd
Makes me feel I'm not alone
Seems to me I'm exactly where I dreamt I would be
And the view from here is something to see
but I need a hand to hold onto
If I fall
If I fall
If I fall will you catch me?
He knows it’s a hard one when his mouth feels like a ticking time bomb, and he doesn’t know how long he has left before everything just explodes.
~*~*~*~*~
His dream was about… the usual, though it’s something that he has never, ever been able to get used to, no matter how many times it replays itself in his sleep. But he remembers waking up suddenly, gasping for breath and holding onto Sora as tightly as he could, only realizing after a minute or so that he was still shaking. At first, he had his eyes squeezed tightly shut, but that only flashed the same images he’d just seen, so instead, he just stared at Sora’s bedsheets.
~*~*~*~*~
They were just inches apart and Sora still had an arm wrapped around Riku’s back, but it still felt somehow like there was some sort of incredible divide between them, made up of words Riku couldn’t bring himself to utter and wouldn’t let himself think about.
Sora, though, either didn’t see that divide or didn’t care about it, and just pulled Riku closer, kissing him.
20. Home – Vanessa Carlton
Riku: Some people live in a house on a hill
And wish they were someplace else
There's nobody there when the evening is still
Secrets with no one to tell
And some I have known
Have a ship where they sleep
With sounds of rocks on the coast
They sail over oceans five fathoms deep
But can't find what they want the most
And even now
When I'm alone
I've always known
With you
I am home
For me it's a glance
And the smile on your face
The touch of your hands
An honest embrace
For where I lay, it's you I keep
This changing world
I fall asleep
With you all I know is
I'm coming home
Coming home
And Riku kept pressing closer, kept Sora from vanishing, and Sora kept Riku in the here and now. It was all so very quiet, everything about that night, but Riku thinks Sora knew – still knows now – that the communication wasn’t really about words. Even if Sora didn’t understand all the overlapping layers of meaning behind the hitches in Riku’s breath as he slowly moved his hands down Riku’s bare sides, when everything was close and now and warm, he understood enough to stay as close as he could for as long as he could, which was the important part.
Then, Sora was just Sora and he was just Riku, so really, it was the same as it’d always been.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hope you guys enjoy the mix, and please don't hesitate to tell me what you think!
Quotes from the fics are in the song descriptions, so if you want to read the fics first, please do so :)
Front cover image by
yuukihikari. Back cover image found on Photobucket.Download the zip and coverart here :)
1. La Valse D’Amelie – Yann Tiersen
[instrumental]
Note: The version I’ve been using for the mix is the one from the European Film Festival with the Prague Philharmonic Orchestra, but since that’s a protected file and I couldn’t find a copy, the one I’m giving you guys is the original, which is still very close in sound.
2. Here In My Room – Incubus
Riku: You enter in full-blown technicolor
Nothing is the same after tonight
If the world would fall apart
In a fiction-worthy wind
I wouldn't change a thing now that you're here
Yeah, love is a verb
Here in my room
I came here expecting next to nothing
So thank you for being that kind of girl
And it’s Kairi, so there really wasn’t a question in the first place.
“…Kairi?” is all Riku says, but he’s turned to her with his hand held out, so now’s the time to find out exactly what she thinks of him. Out of the corner of his eye, Sora looks at him, first surprised and then thankful, but then it’s back to both of them looking at Kairi in anticipation because the brunet’s too upset to do much else right now. Kairi herself looks back at Riku with surprise as well – and there’s a few agonizing seconds where she hesitates and Riku prays for the earth to swallow him whole – but slowly, she passes all the way into the room, shuts the door behind her, and takes silent, careful steps towards the two boys.
~*~*~*~*~
There’s a moment or two after he and Sora have stood back up again to face Kairi where Riku waits for them to take it back, to cross him out right then and there because there's absolutely no reason for him to have deserved that, but then he feels a tentative little half-smile creep onto his face because something that he never, ever thought once in his life would happen just did – take that, insecurities – and then it’s joined by two others, and everything in the world feels just a little less heavy and just a little more right than it did before.
3. Thick As Thieves – Dashboard Confessional
Riku: Would it kill you to breathe easy?
Only 17 miles lay between you and me
I could make it if I had to
I don't break easily
You got my council, thick as thieves
If there's a crime, we'll keep it secret
For there's only trace amounts left in your blood
You may be a sinner
But you may be justified
Just keep your mouth shut
Keep your guard up
I swear I'll make it right
Will it kill me to breathe?
Not as easy as you think it is
Between you and me,
I could fake it if I have to
I don't break easily
I need your council, thick as thieves
I have no crime to keep a secret
It was hers, it was not mine
Well I may be a sinner
But it wasn't me this time
I'll keep your secrets 'til the grave has swallowed me
And I will never tell a tortured soul there burning by my side
That I am a sinner
I am a savior
I am a lie
"I swear, if I didn't know for a fact that he was already dead, I'd find him and kill him myself." His voice is harsh, but she seems to know that it's not towards her. The girl in his arms shifts momentarily, before hugging him back.
~*~*~*~*~
"It wasn't like that," he insists, mouth in a thin line. "That was different." He might have to admit that he knows what she's talking about, but he doesn't have to agree with her. Riku already knows that she's wrong; she has to be wrong, because Riku really doesn't want to think about what her being right about this would mean.
"You know, Riku," Naminé suggests slowly, "you'll feel a lot better if you just tell Sora about it."
"Like you're planning to tell Sora?" Riku retorts, flushing and wishing he didn't sound quite so defensive.
"And we both know he doesn't remember anything about Castle Oblivion," she replies easily. Then with a breath of a sigh, she puts a hand on his arm, which relaxes there when he doesn't pull away.
4. Body Below – Mirah
Naminé: It says "keep holding on
To my body below
Forsake me not
Don't ever leave me alone"
The ocean rolled salty
And wild and free
The fruit swelled and ripened
And burst with their seeds
The chest gets all tight
Like it's got some disease
What burns in the fire
Just ends up as coals
What floats on the water
Can sink like a stone
Now I want to believe
Every word that you say
I want you to need me
To not go away
Have trust in the nighttime
And faith in the day
To walk on the water
Be never afraid
"There are... things Sora doesn't need to know about," he murmurs, looking out towards the sea as he puts his hand over hers, and that's all the allowance he's willing to give her, right now.
"Alright," she murmurs back, leaning more comfortably against his side. “For now.”
~*~*~*~*~
“Listen, Kairi…” He catches her hand before she can turn to untie her boat from the dock.
“What is it?”
“If there’s…” and he only has half an idea of what he’s going to say, but pushes on nonetheless, “…anything you want me to do – not just for your birthday – if there’s anything else, just say it and I’ll do it.” That’s his real present, and she probably knows it. He feels better, for some reason, when he’s the one that’s being strong for her.
“I know,” Kairi says, smiling softly, looking up at him and tugging him just a little bit closer with the hand he’s holding. It’s a nice, quiet moment, and she looks especially pretty right now, so he leans down to kiss her, wrapping his other hand around her waist to steady her when she gets up on her tiptoes. “Besides,” she adds, after they’ve parted and just a little bit impishly, “I already told you there’s something I really want for my birthday.”
5. American Girl (Live) – Goo Goo Dolls
Yeah, she was an American girl
Raised on promises
She couldn't help thinking
there was a little more to life somewhere else
After all, it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
And if she's gonna die trying
she has one little promise she was gonna keep
like waves crashing out on the beach
For one desperate moment there
he crept back in her memory
God it's so painful, when something so close
can feel so far out of reach
“Well…” she starts slowly, “there is one thing I really want.”
“Yeah?” Sora asks. “What is it?” Kairi smiles again, and Riku has no idea how Sora, now grinning like a megawatt bulb, is restraining himself from literally hopping up and down.
“It’s a surprise,” she declares, looking very pleased with herself. Sora sighs, deflating, and if he was anyone else, it would be completely over-dramatic, in Riku’s own personal opinion.
~*~*~*~*~
"I wasn't completely sure, but-" Riku stops himself short, because she's still looking at him silently. "...What is it?" he asks, very, very carefully, and the conversation suddenly has an undertow he's never learned to navigate.
"You know what I mean." Her voice is so steady, and he doesn't know how she's become the one treading without effort, while he's left struggling just to dog-paddle.
~*~*~*~*~
“Right,” Riku grins in response, watching her walk back over to where her boat’s tied up, “your mystery gift. Is that happening the day of the party, or sometime later?”
“Oh, it’s not that mysterious,” she giggles. “At least, I hope not.”
6. Lost At Sea – Eisley
Sailing over wave and tide
fantastic crash against our sides
And I'm not so afraid, lost at sea
as I should be
Lost at sea, you and I
You and me
Congratulations
because we've made it
all the way home,
and you know that
'til the stars fall
I’ll always love you
Still floating soft,
I am dreaming of what I have
lost and still,
with my fingers drawing circles
in the water
Riku hums and lets his head drop back down on the bed, a finger drawing lazy circles on someone’s thigh.
“I agree,” Kairi says, and he can hear her trying not to giggle.
“He’s usually not this lazy,” Sora says in a fake whisper. “I was the one doing most of the work this time, anyway.” And Kairi lets out her giggle, then; it’s something nice and feminine, sounding like the best kind of tired, and Riku thinks he really likes the way it bounces around his room.
“I can hear you, you know,” he retorts. “And besides, I think at least one of you is still sitting on me.” They all crack up then, rolling around a little bit, and Riku thinks he likes this sound even better.
~*~*~*~*~
The three of them stay there the rest of the night. Then, somewhere in the night when he’s pressed close between the two people who have always been the most important, the name for the feeling finally hits him.
I’m home, Riku thinks. I’m finally home.
7. Rollercoaster – Kimya Dawson
[wordless lyrics]
8. I Wanna – All-American Rejects
I never thought that I was so blind
I can finally see the truth
It's me for you
Can you hear me say
Don't throw me away?
And there's no way out
I gotta hold you somehow
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me, too
Every day, but all I have is time
Every way, and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me
Tonight I’m weak
It's just another day without you
I can't sleep
"Roxas taught me," Sora says, grinning.
"...R-really," Riku replies, slouching against the tree just that little bit more. Is it getting warmer out here, or is it just him?
And how did they get like this, again? Oh, right. Sora decided that the best time and place to give Riku his very first blowjob ever would be in the middle of the play island, the only things separating the two of them from everyone else on the beach being about fifty yards of trees and vegetation. Well, the two of them and Roxas, he supposes. He wonders if Roxas is actually paying attention to what they’re doing right now.
…Right, it’s definitely warmer.
"Yeah, so don't worry."
~*~*~*~*~
Riku's in Sora's room, they're making out on Sora's bed, and it's actually before midnight for once because they told their parents they wanted to have a sleepover, just like old times. Not that Riku wouldn't end up sneaking into Sora's room in the middle of the night anyway, but things like the guilt buried under Riku's nightmares and the silent worry buried under Sora's murmured reassurances aren’t really talked about in the light of day, especially not to parents. And not that they spent time doing things like making out before they left the Islands, but just like old times is just like old times, and it's reassuring to Riku that some things really don't change.
9. Not To Let Go – John Nolan
Roxas: I see the lines that connect me to you
I see the lines that divide us into groups
I know the ways that we'll stay the same
And I know the ways we'll pretend that we can change
I see the lines on your face
I know that there's a toll this takes on you
I don't want to be the one who breaks you or weighs you down
I want to tell you that I'm alright
I might slow down or sigh sometimes
I'm just shaking it off
I'm just telling myself not to let go
Roxas as “Riku”:I'll weather storms and sleepwalk through the lulls
I'll close my eyes and do what needs to be done
I'll shut my mouth and just try and have some fun
Roxas: It's not a question of what anyone deserves
I don't know what you've seen or what you've heard
“Sora…” Riku says it slowly, to give the brunet time to look back up, and only continues once Sora’s done so. “He wants to be with you, right?” Sora bites his lip, but nods. “But it’s different from before, so maybe he’s just getting used to it still.”
“Do you think so?” Sora asks, blinking once or twice with a serious expression.
“…Yeah.” If you spent a long enough time without something, actually getting it was… strange in a way, wasn’t it? “If you just keep being supportive, he’ll finish settling in just fine.”
10. I Still Remember – Bloc Party
Riku: I, I still remember
How you looked that afternoon
There was only you
You said it's just like a full moon
Blood beats faster in our veins
You should have asked me for it
I would have been brave
You should have asked me for it
How could I say no?
I'd have gone wherever you wanted
We should have run
I would go with you anywhere
I should have kissed you by the water
I'd have let you if you asked me
It's not like Axel's coming back anytime soon, though, so that's not something that Riku can fix for them. If Roxas ever showed a hint of something other than dislike toward him, Riku'd-
But that's not something Roxas is going to do, stupid, he thinks to himself. Stop fooling yourself into wishful thinking. Those kinds of things aren’t going to get him anywhere good.
11. Feel The Silence – Goo Goo Dolls
Riku: The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled
I ask you for more
But you push me away
And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
I don't know where I'm going
Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We've been so lost for so long
I don't know how to get back again
And we're drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you're fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don't know where to begin
…What, like Kairi and Naminé? Riku’s not sure how he has the presence of mind to keep that thought to himself, but Sora isn’t Kairi and Roxas isn’t Naminé, and this isn’t going to be the same thing. And Riku doesn’t know what Roxas has told Sora about their past interactions, but there’s history between them. Complicated, painful history, and Riku doesn’t think that Roxas is going to be as easily forgiving as Sora.
Roxas himself seems to agree with Riku, and the look on his face is not the look of someone who is inviting Riku to touch him the same way he touches Sora when they’re both half-undressed. Still, because Riku can admit that he’s always been especially idiotic when it comes to dealing with Roxas, it’s not like he doesn’t want to try, anyway.
“Roxas,” Riku begins slowly, leaning just the slightest, most cautious bit forward, “do you-?” Roxas flushes, and roughly pushes him back against the wall. In the moment where they just stare at each other and most of Riku is stung and speechless, a very tiny, slightly bitter part of him is completely unsurprised.
12. The Bering Sea – John Nolan
Roxas: I was under the impression that I was right
I was thinking about what wasn't mine
I was asking myself what it's like to be you
if living in your skin was something that I could get used to
we were talking about the relativity of feelings
how there's no way to know if we're experiencing the same thing
it's always 2 am that I feel alive again
and I decided people were programmed to survive
but now survival's too easy and we don't know what to do with our lives
too much time on our hands, not enough on our minds
we keep looking for problems and so that's what we find
I've been thinking about how things could be
about laughing out loud, about absurdity
and side by side into the night
I can't help thinking that maybe everything is going to be all right
“He says he’s happy he can be with me here,” Sora starts, “but he doesn’t really get to be out a lot or talk to very many people.” His hand drops from Riku’s neck to his thigh, eyes following the slow path down, and Riku feels a little stab of guilt for the near-lack of interaction he has with Roxas. “Sometimes,” and this is even quieter than before, more than necessary to keep Sora’s mom from waking up, “I think he gets lonely.”
~*~*~*~*~
“You think I want your pity?” Roxas hisses, breaking the silence, eyes narrowed and breathing harsh, partly from what Riku was doing earlier with Sora and partly because he looks like he’s trying to keep himself from shouting. “Do you think you’re doing me a favor by thinking that letting me borrow whatever parts of Sora’s life he thinks I’m allowed to have is suddenly going to make me feel better about the parts of my life that are gone?”
“…No,” Riku replies, very quietly. Do you think my feelings for you have changed at all? is what he doesn’t say. Because they haven’t.
~*~*~*~*~
"This is a dream," Roxas says, hushed. "You're dreaming right now." And his eyes are big and pleading for him to understand, and they're so, so blue, even this late, but Riku isn't really sure what he's supposed to do.
"Okay," he softly agrees, because Sora's mom is still in the house and waking her up would lead to a lot of complications he’d rather not deal with right now. But Riku doesn't really have time to try and figure out what's going on or worry about who might hear what because Roxas is suddenly kissing him, fierce and with just a tiny bit of that silent plea still.
~*~*~*~*~
Again, Roxas seems unsure at first, but with another sigh, something just barely audible, he slowly relaxes into the embrace. Riku hums once, just as quietly – because he can understand that sometimes words just get in the way – and keeps him close like that.
When Roxas’s breathing evens out, Riku looks down to see if he’s still awake. But the sleeping boy in Riku’s arms is a brunet again, and he’s wearing a soft, contented smile, so maybe everything’s still confusing, but there’s a chance it might eventually be alright, after all.
13. Sur Le Fil – Yann Tiersen
[instrumental – violin version]
14. Swimming Through Molasses – Tsunami Bomb
Riku: There's a light inside my head
Flickering but almost dead
My will to be awake
Covered in two tons of sand
More weighed down than when I began
Impossible to get up now, it's too late
And I feel like moving on
And I feel like getting on with life
To feel the presence of the sun on my face
Is what I need to smack those cobwebs into shape
Most of the time, he tries to avoid thinking about it, wants it to gather cobwebs and stay in the past where it belongs, but there are times he wants so badly to tell Sora about it.
~*~*~*~*~
And he won’t feel self-conscious or think about anything besides his friends and how soothing peace can be. Some days, he won’t have a single coherent thought in his head other than Sora’s eyes are very blue when he looks at me like that.
~*~*~*~*~
Riku doesn’t want to do something to cause Sora to be angry anymore, doesn’t want to feel weak, and doesn’t want to wonder how long it’ll take before it all just goes away and lets him get on with his life.
15. Angry Johnny – Poe
Riku: Johnny, angry Johnny
This is Jezebel in hell
I wanna kill you
I can do it in a church
I can do it any time or place
I can do it like an angel
To quiet down your rage
I can do it in the water
I can do on dry land
I can do it with instruments
I can do it with my own bare hands
But either way, either way, you know where it stands
He wants to kill already-dead person-shaped monsters, and he doesn’t care if it’s with Way to the Dawn or if it’s with his bare hands.
16. Somewhere In Between – Lifehouse
Riku: I can't be
Losing sleep over this
No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head
But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
Sometimes, when it’s very late at night and Sora is very close and Sora is running his hands down Riku’s sides, it takes every single bit of focus Riku has not to sob.
~*~*~*~*~
Sometimes, when he finds himself suddenly wide awake and shaking violently, trying not to throw up and praying to a mostly-undefined higher power that he’s not crying (and if he is, that Sora can’t see it), he wonders if it’s finally gotten so bad that it’s written all over his face and spelled out for Sora to see.
17. The Last Poem’s Poet – Matthew Good
Riku: stop and breathe awhile I
I think I need to think
I think I need to think hard
hard about my, hard about my
my reasons for doing what I do
my reasons for feeling how I feel
what have I learned about love you tell me
what have I learned about myself
and this life is possible in the next one
what is possible in this life is possible for everyone
I have come to a conclusion
within conclusion there is delusion
within delusion there is illusion
and within illusion
there is confusion here
confusion is the straightest talk you will ever know
confusion doesn't care about what you have or who you know
confusion is a friend of mine
has been for a long, long time
yeah, in the end I will be fine
in the end I think I'll lose my mind
and I'm alright
I'm just a little tired I guess
just a little tired
He doesn’t want Sora to understand it (the very thought of Sora understanding is something so horrifyingly disturbing that it makes him want to be sick), but sometimes he feels selfish and wants Sora to know about it.
~*~*~*~*~
Some days, the last thing Riku thinks about is telling Sora. He’ll stand in front of the bathroom mirror in his boxers, safe in his home in Destiny Islands, and think, I’m lucky to be here, and I’m lucky to just be; this is good enough.
~*~*~*~*~
The first time after they got back, Selphie wouldn’t stop asking about his and Sora’s battle scars (like the one Riku has on his side that Sora likes to touch and Roxas likes to be sad about, and the one Sora has on his chest that Riku likes to avoid because it does nothing but remind him of the exact moment he watched Sora get it, yelling as loudly as he could with no one listening but the one he wanted to hear him the least), and Riku had to bite his tongue and let Sora give the explanation they’d been told to give.
~*~*~*~*~
He still wants to say it, and he doesn’t know why.
18. further – Yuki Kajiura
[instrumental]
19. If I Fall – Aqualung
Riku: Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed, never saw it coming
Left me dazed
and I don't know where to turn
Here and now seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face in the crowd
Makes me feel I'm not alone
Seems to me I'm exactly where I dreamt I would be
And the view from here is something to see
but I need a hand to hold onto
If I fall
If I fall
If I fall will you catch me?
He knows it’s a hard one when his mouth feels like a ticking time bomb, and he doesn’t know how long he has left before everything just explodes.
~*~*~*~*~
His dream was about… the usual, though it’s something that he has never, ever been able to get used to, no matter how many times it replays itself in his sleep. But he remembers waking up suddenly, gasping for breath and holding onto Sora as tightly as he could, only realizing after a minute or so that he was still shaking. At first, he had his eyes squeezed tightly shut, but that only flashed the same images he’d just seen, so instead, he just stared at Sora’s bedsheets.
~*~*~*~*~
They were just inches apart and Sora still had an arm wrapped around Riku’s back, but it still felt somehow like there was some sort of incredible divide between them, made up of words Riku couldn’t bring himself to utter and wouldn’t let himself think about.
Sora, though, either didn’t see that divide or didn’t care about it, and just pulled Riku closer, kissing him.
20. Home – Vanessa Carlton
Riku: Some people live in a house on a hill
And wish they were someplace else
There's nobody there when the evening is still
Secrets with no one to tell
And some I have known
Have a ship where they sleep
With sounds of rocks on the coast
They sail over oceans five fathoms deep
But can't find what they want the most
And even now
When I'm alone
I've always known
With you
I am home
For me it's a glance
And the smile on your face
The touch of your hands
An honest embrace
For where I lay, it's you I keep
This changing world
I fall asleep
With you all I know is
I'm coming home
Coming home
And Riku kept pressing closer, kept Sora from vanishing, and Sora kept Riku in the here and now. It was all so very quiet, everything about that night, but Riku thinks Sora knew – still knows now – that the communication wasn’t really about words. Even if Sora didn’t understand all the overlapping layers of meaning behind the hitches in Riku’s breath as he slowly moved his hands down Riku’s bare sides, when everything was close and now and warm, he understood enough to stay as close as he could for as long as he could, which was the important part.
Then, Sora was just Sora and he was just Riku, so really, it was the same as it’d always been.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hope you guys enjoy the mix, and please don't hesitate to tell me what you think!
